Dear Eric, My parents have a beautiful beach house by the ocean. I am a middle-aged woman and single mother of two who does not have to pay child support. I would like to invite families to enjoy the beach with us, but do not want the added expense of being a hostess.
Even though I have a great career and a great job, I use the summer months to save for the high oil bills in the winter and the kids’ sports throughout the year.
Even providing hot dogs and hamburgers every weekend is too expensive for me. I need help writing an invitation that politely asks people to bring their own food/drinks without seeming stingy. I’m happy to provide the ice cream! Can you help?
— All alone on the beach
Dear Beach: I think politeness and directness are closely related, so they may not be as easy to manage as you would like. But here are two options:
“We would love to serve and feed everyone, but with so many guests it’s not possible. So please bring what you and your children would like to eat and drink. Don’t worry, we have enough space in the fridge and freezer. And I’ll provide the ice cream!”
Or go the Airbnb-style logistical route. List what amenities people can expect (bedding perhaps, toilet paper, etc.) and create a “don’t forget” list that includes things like sunscreen, favorite board games, and food and drink for the weekend.
Don’t worry: you don’t sound stingy. You’re giving them a whole house. You should pay for your meals.
Dear Eric, Ten years ago, my partner and I moved to a new community and became friends with a neighbor whose initial friendliness impressed us greatly. The neighbor learned of my unemployment and generously arranged for me to get a job at his company.
In the professional environment, however, he literally turned into a Jekyll and Hyde, revealing a manipulative, devious and always malicious personality. His tirades regularly moved his colleagues to tears.
After a decade of being subjected to his tyranny, I took a job with another company and soon retired to another state.
Since then, he has contacted me regularly to say he misses us as neighbors and would like to visit. Although working for his company has enabled us to make future plans that were previously beyond our means, I lack the ability to place gratitude above the memories of the emotional abuse he subjected my colleagues and me to. My partner thinks I can put up with anything for a few days. Am I wrong to think otherwise?
— Conflict-ridden reunion
Dear Reunion: You tolerated him for a decade; don’t spend another second with him.
They are grateful for his help in finding jobs, You has completed the work in this job and therefore the payment is not part of a neighborly favor. This transaction is complete.
I can’t help but think that his taunts about a visit are also part of that Mr. Hyde side that he has. I mean, it makes you feel bad, doesn’t it? That’s what bullies do.
You can tell him, “You were a jerk at work and that’s why we can’t be friends,” or you can just say no and move on. It’s probably better to let a sleeping Hyde rest.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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