DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a long-time friend who considers herself to be very well-mannered. She writes her thank-you notes on cards and sends them through the mail, while I send my thank-you notes through email.
When I tell her that she doesn’t have to thank me by hand, she says, “My mother taught me to always do it that way.” Of course, this makes me feel “inferior” because of my thank you email.
When she visits me, she always brings a gift. It’s very thoughtful, even though it’s usually something I don’t need. I still appreciate the gesture.
She knows that my guest room and bathroom are equipped for the use and comfort of my guests. However, when she takes a shower, she only dries herself with the towel. At home, she uses a bath towel.
I guess she thinks it’s somehow more polite not to soil a bath towel but to make do with a hand towel. I don’t say anything about it, but it feels like an insult to me. I try to provide everything to make a guest feel at home. How should I deal with this?
DEAR READER: Oops! Miss Manners was about to reprimand you for criticizing your friend’s good manners, and even imply that you did so to justify your own lower standards. Take that!
But then she got to the part with the towel.
What was your friend thinking? Giving up the pleasant feeling of dryness to save you the trouble of washing a larger towel?
OK, that’s bordering on rude. It suggests that hospitality is a burden for you, to the extent that you understand the inconvenience a guest may experience.
There’s not much you can do about it without giving the impression that your guest doesn’t bathe. (Then again, maybe she doesn’t.) Just keep providing towels — and maybe make it clear, “These are for your use.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son is getting married. Besides me (his mother), he has his maternal grandmother, his paternal grandmother, his paternal step-grandmother, and his paternal great-grandmother. Some of them have living spouses, some of them do not.
Who sits where? In what order do we sit? He is blessed with longevity in his family, but leaves his mother baffled.
DEAR READER: Even if it were common for families to be as lucky with longevity as yours, there would be no seating plan to match. There would be no point in arranging an entire family so closely packed.
It is customary for the couple’s ancestors to sit in the front row on their respective sides. If the row is not long enough, other relatives should politely fall in behind them without making a fuss about exactly where.
Miss Manners appreciates that there seem to be no old feuds among relatives in your family – it is easier when there is no need to fight over advantages.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a tradition of leaving an envelope unsealed when handing it over in person? And if so, why?
DEAR READER: Yes. It means, “I trust you not to snoop.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners via her website www.missmanners.com; to her email address [email protected] ; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
