Week one is over and we thought we’d start putting together a weekly power rankings post. We’ve carefully ranked all 32 teams in a painstaking, stats-driven process and they definitely weren’t randomly put together based on how annoying they are. Enjoy!
- Kansas City Chiefs – They say it’s better to be lucky than to be good. What if you’re lucky? And good? Must be nice.
- San Francisco 49ers – No CMC? No problem. Shanahan, you mad scientist…
- Detroit Lions – Face it, Packers fans, the Lions are still really good.
- Philadelphia Eagles – It’s hard to make much of a statement from NFL Presents Football On Rollerskates, but we know the Eagles are good. But are we sure about Jalen Hurts?
- Baltimore Ravens – We trust Harbaugh, but the Ravens still have a lot of work to do.
- Buffalo Bills – Oh, you forgot Josh Allen was a guy? Sounds like you have a problem.
- Houston Texans – CJ Stroud picks up right where he left off, but as far as defense and special teams go…
- Dallas Cowboys – Beating the Cleveland Browns is a great start for a team that is under a lot of pressure this year.
- Miami Dolphins – You can basically set your watch to the Dolphins being really good in September, but is that sustainable?
- Green Bay Packers – The Packers have gotten away with Love’s injury and won’t have to deal with the Eagles’ defensive line (or the Brazilian turf) every week. Don’t panic.
- Cincinnati Bengals – Ah yes. So begins another year of the exploratory expedition “Is Zac Taylor actually a good coach?”
- LA Chargers – New year, new (weird) coach, same Chargers? Time will tell!
- New York Jets – Aaron Rodgers may no longer have his legs, but his throwing arm appears to be completely intact. The Jets have the potential to be a great team or fall apart completely. Grab your popcorn.
- LA Rams – The Rams’ assistant coach may be put on hold until their OL is back in shape and Puka Nacua gets healthy again.
- Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I’m sure Browns fans are very happy for Baker Mayfield.
- Chicago Bears – Rescued by his defense and Simone Biles’ husband, Caleb Williams joins a long list of rookie quarterbacks who looked terrible in their first start. He will get better.
- Pittsburgh Steelers – Russell Wilson in protective gear as an emergency quarterback was the perfect start to another 9-8 season for the Steelers.
- Cleveland Browns – The fact that Deshaun Watson continues to stink is some proof of the existence of karma.
- Minnesota Vikings – We didn’t need to be reminded, but Aaron Jones is still pretty great when he’s healthy. And look at that! Sam Darnold!
- Jacksonville Jaguars – Not a good start for a coach-quarterback duo that feels like time is somehow running out.
- The Seattle Seahawks – Bring back the old uniforms permanently, you cowards.
- Indianapolis Colts – Richardson pretty good, run defense pretty bad. Buckle up, Hoosiers, it’s going to be an up and down year.
- New Orleans Saints – Saints fans were treated to the good Derek Carr in the first week, but the team has some tough games ahead of it.
- Atlanta Falcons – This Falcons operation looked as half-baked as Kirk Cousins’ mystery meat. If I were a fan, I’d be upset.
- Arizona Cardinals – Now with even less chemicals!
- New England Patriots – The new look Pats actually showed up. No joke here. They looked better than expected.
- Tennessee Titans – Throwing away a 17-point lead in the season opener? Not great, Bob!
- Denver Broncos – A TV announcer yelled “Oh no” immediately after a pass left Bo Nix’s hands – an interception in triple coverage. That about sums it up for Denver so far.
- Washington Commanders – Jayden Daniels has a lot of potential, but the Commanders are miserable right now.
- Las Vegas Raiders – Not a great debut for outgoing head coach Antonio Pierce. How long before Davante Adams completely loses his mind?
- New York Giants – Oh, it’s going to be VERY bad, isn’t it?
- Carolina Panthers – It’s worse than the doctors feared. Carolina is suffering from a full-blown case of poverty.