The question My Sister spends a significant portion of her modest income on expensive boutique foods Farmers markets and other high-end grocery stores. “To each his own” is my view. Fine dining makes her happy and that’s great. She doesn’t spend her money on cigarettes or lottery tickets, etc. And she only occasionally buys alcohol or goes to restaurants.

The thing is, a lot of the food she buys rots and ends up in the trash. This has been going on for years. Fine cheese, fine ice cream, yogurt, crackers, bread and all sorts of organic produce rots in her kitchen. She literally wastes well over £1,000 a year on food she never eats. This is tragic, but what’s worse is that she often complains about not having enough money for other priorities. I don’t think she realizes how wasteful she is when it comes to Eat.

I wish I could talk to her about it, but every time someone criticizes her constructively or makes even a casual suggestion, she feels attacked and Things are tense and awkward. Ultimately, I am trying to help her, but also to help the environment a little. Should I address the issue or do I just mind my own business?

Philippa’s answer The financial and environmental consequences of your sister’s habit, particularly the waste of unused food, seem to raise legitimate concerns. And yet, between the lines, I get the feeling that this may not be the main issue here. I hear a superiority in your tone that comes across as condescending to me. It sounds like you have a know-it-all attitude. If I’m right (and I may be), such an entrenched attitude would irritate your sister. If you threaten people’s dignity by lecturing them, you won’t convince them. That’s a lesson we all need to learn.

I don’t think your dilemma has anything to do with food waste. If you really care about the environment, why not start with the enormous amounts of food that supermarkets throw away at the end of each day?

So what is the real problem in your relationship with your sister? You say she often feels attacked when you try to offer constructive criticism. The way you talk about her has given me the impression that she may feel you are showing her contempt rather than respect. She has probably told you that she doesn’t want your “casual suggestions” anymore, and perhaps you are now turning to me for advice on how to cross that line again. Am I the representative of a parental authority to turn to, or do I want more ammunition for this veiled attack? I believe you deny that your constructive criticism is an attack, but I am not convinced.

Your question is, “Should I bring this up with her or just mind my own business?” I’m not sure that’s the right question. You could ask the following questions instead: How do I feel about my sister and how do I want to feel about it? Do I feel threatened or uncomfortable because she knows how to make fancy dishes and I eat just normal things? Do I feel threatened in some way by my sister because she seemed to be held in higher regard by our parents or by people in general? Do I somehow need to make my sister wrong so that I myself appear more righteous? Do I claim moral superiority over her because I enjoy making her seem silly and thereby feeling a little more wise? How much of an old sibling rivalry is embedded in my attitude toward my sister and her behavior? Do I want to demonstrate that I am the better sister? Do I want her to recognize that I am superior to her?

You may want to dismiss my questions, but don’t. Write them down, think about them for a few days, or discuss them with other people who have worked through their sibling rivalry – or maybe even with a therapist.

If you notice that she doesn’t drink too much or go to restaurants too often, it’s like you’re scrutinizing her behavior – like a teacher who gives her a good grade in those subjects but fails her at shopping. I don’t think your goal should be to change her habits, but to stop making these critical observations and shift your focus away from judging her. Be more curious about yourself: how you do it, what motivation is behind it, and what purpose it serves you. Maybe then you can take control of your sister’s shopping habits yourself and she won’t feel so judged and your relationship with her might even improve.

Communicate with your sister on the basis of love and support, not criticism or judgment. Knowing that old sibling rivalries won’t crop up anymore, maybe the two of you can talk about how to live more comfortably and sustainably. Maybe you’ll learn why more expensive organic food is better for the planet, and she might take some of your wisdom to heart. People tend not to listen unless they feel heard themselves.

Every week, Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent to her by a reader.
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