Ticketmaster has a dream. A dream that one day it will be “delighted to partner with your child’s school” to “make it easier for you to purchase tickets to the Nativity play.” What will henceforth be known as the Nativity Experience. But listen up – Ticketmaster wants to make the entire process smoother so you can meet the performers you love (your kids) while being “gifted” the paper cup that’s part of the package in those platinum seats (the little chairs from the classroom).
No, there are no more tickets available for the standard seats. However, you can upgrade to the ultimate VIP package, which means you have access to the Bethlehem Lounge (the reading corner at reception) one hour before the event. If you want to experience magic this Christmas, remember to delete all cookies, have only one tab open, and still be prepared to be kicked out of the queue after four hours after being accused by a computer of being a computer.
So yes: Ticketmaster. After last weekend’s Oasis ticket horror, this week’s ticketing website row has become such a horror that you could probably sell tickets to them. And if you could, Ticketmaster certainly would, given that the company has previously handled ticket sales for such fan events as the crucifixion and guillotines during the French Revolution (obligatory purchase in one of our knitwear shops). Unfortunately, the Competition and Markets Authority (CMA) does not seem to recognise this rich heritage and has chosen to launch an investigation into Ticketmaster over Oasis ticket sales, “including how so-called ‘dynamic pricing’ may have been used”. Sarcastic quotes: those of the CMA itself.
I’m not saying that the ticket websites are simply the worst people in the world, although I would gladly provoke Ticketmaster’s lawyer into writing a cease and desist letter listing far worse people from the 20th and 21st centuries. Look, I love this fictional lawyer already. Like many people who draw a salary on his reality-washing shift, he may tell himself he works in a respectable business, but maybe it would be better to tell his parents he works in a more popular trade, like puppy mills or journalism.
There are some companies in our world that like to talk about it. But ticket companies don’t want to be talked about because when someone talks, it’s always bad. Nobody buys a ticket today and wants to sing its praises. They get to the final scene of an absolute ring search trying to see an artist/show/ballgame they like, are confronted at the last minute with the news that their ticket will actually cost almost three times as much as they thought, go through the five stages of grief while a little counter threatens to write them off, decide to pay the extra, and stare at the success screen thinking, “Damn Ticketmaster.”
Of course, it’s better if they say so themselves. Unfortunately for Ticketmaster, more and more people are saying it out loud, including the UK Culture Secretary, others the CMA and most recently the US Attorney General, who in May filed a lawsuit against LiveNation-Ticketmaster to break up the company, citing “monopolisation and other unlawful conduct that hinders competition in markets throughout the live entertainment industry”.
What critics at the Justice Department don’t like about the company is its ability to dictate every part of the entertainment supply chain, from venues to artists to promoters — and that’s without even mentioning its role in the resale market. Unsurprisingly, that’s not the vibe you get from Ticketmaster’s website, which is a masterpiece of that very peculiar, self-pitying corporate tone. “The fees we charge,” it trembles, “are often the only revenue we get from making sure you get the tickets to the events you love.” Oh no! Who thinks about poor old Ticketmaster, just trying to connect fans with the artists they love, surviving on the coins thrown into its begging bowl? Counterpoint: This is a massive international corporation, headquartered in Beverly Hills, currently worth an estimated $22 billion.
That’s enough money to make you the proud licensee of some top-tier euphemisms. “Handling fee”, “service fee”, “delivery fee” – there really are 100 ways to say “because we can charge”. If that’s like accepting a wage for your work, then charging your boss an extra fee for “doing my job” every time you feel like you’re doing your job… try it out and see how you get on! The fact is, Ticketmaster’s fees can be as much as 75% of the base price of the ticket. Arguably the worst euphemism of all is “dynamic pricing”, which sounds exciting and energetic and something we’d all love to be a part of, until you realise it means that £148 ticket you queued for hours for now costs £355 – and your favourite artist has arranged it all through their management. Whatever they may say now (“Shut up,” in the case of Liam Gallagher.)
Ultimately, the “fan experience,” like most things associated with the word “experience” these days, has become a soul-crushing submission to rejection and the need to appear grateful. But with so many rabbits currently flying against Ticketmaster and the practices of the ticketing industry in general, it would be nice to think we’d be closer to better regulation in the interest of the customer. Record numbers of fans would buy tickets for that.
