CANTON, Connecticut — A local dog owner was stunned to see his neighborhood dog park completely overrun by opossums owned by dedicated members of the punk community, according to nervous sources who Googled “rabies – how do you get it?”
“I mean, no exaggeration, there were about two dozen possums just scurrying around this park, cheered on by their bizarre owners. It was disturbing. I had to keep my Labrador mix, Fletcher, on a short leash because I didn’t trust my surroundings. And I’m talking about the freaks that hung out here who apparently owned these pests,” said Seth Cupertino, who is new to the area. “I swear at least a couple of them were rabid… Again, I mean the owners, not necessarily the possums. Oh, and speaking of that! Don’t just call these things ‘possums’ either. Gosh, the owners hate it. I guess they only exist in Australia or something? Either way, creepy if you ask me.”
Local installation artist and devoted opossum owner Parveth “Pinner” Harkwell expressed his fondness for this unconventional pet.
“They’re great companions, especially if you don’t want a lot of other people around to bother you,” said a relaxed Harkwell as one of his three top-prize-winning opossums snuggled into his lap. “When some say that me and my friends have ‘taken over’ the dog park with our pets, I just reach out and say that their dogs are welcome to play with my ‘Opie’ or his sister ‘Hiss America.’ Just don’t be put off if they start to roughhouse a bit. Growling and scurrying around and generally unsettling everyone around them to the point of disgust is just their style. Isn’t that right, boy? Isn’t that right? Oh…”
Local PetCo employee Sheila Grebin explains that the marsupial’s proliferation has led to a complete remodel of the store.
“Oh, corporate headquarters built an entire wing for the opossum owners in the area. Yeah, they also threw out all the bird stuff to make room for this, so I apologize to all the parakeet owners in the Farmington Valley,” Grebin said as she dumped the morning shift trash can into the opossum alley. “I don’t mind having the products on hand, I just wish more of our customers would buy the grooming products. We have a surplus of opossum shampoo and conditioner, and when they bring the little guys in for a sniff, man, they seem to need help with hygiene. But I guess it’s like the old saying goes, ‘like owner, like pet,’ you know?”
At press time, Cupertino could be seen frantically searching for his dog after observing five opossums dabbing at the corner of their mouths and burping.
