“I learned about their story through Netflix.” It was with this effusive welcome that Colombia’s Vice President Francia Márquez greeted the Duke and Duchess of Sussex as she welcomed the couple on their recent unofficial official royal tour.

What an embarrassing admission. Perhaps she will make Meghan an honorary attorney general because she once starred in a legal drama, Suits.

Perhaps, given his own experience with the old “Colombian marching powder,” Prince Harry will find a useful role in that country’s army. I’m kidding, of course. But in many ways, Colombia is the perfect choice for the Sussexes in their waning bid to remain relevant. After all, it’s a country that wants to reinvent itself – just like the Duke and Duchess.

The new left-leaning government is desperately trying to whitewash some inconvenient truths – social unrest, drug trafficking, kidnappings, murders – while hoping instead to promote a far more harmonious vision to attract rich foreign investment and boost tourism.

Nevertheless, Colombia remains one of the most dangerous places in the world. In the country of former drug lord Pablo Escobar, many foreign tourists have been killed in the last three years, many of them victims of drug and prostitution rings. The age of consent is 14, making the country a magnet for sex tourists.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex during their visit to Colombia this week

Meghan is welcomed in Colombia by Vice President Francia Marquez

Yet, as seen on their “royal” tour of Nigeria (another country where the human rights that the Sussexes apparently hold so dear are treated with less respect than a handkerchief), Harry and Meghan do not seem overly squeamish about accepting hospitality.

Part of the appeal, I think, is that countries like the UK and, increasingly, the US, have grown tired of the couple’s endless attention-seeking antics (I personally can’t wait for the two to finally achieve their stated goal of living a quiet life away from the spotlight), while in countries like Colombia and Nigeria, their status as royal outsiders is seen as the perfect opportunity.

Easily flattered and even more easily seduced by the trappings of fame, the couple are the ideal useful idiots for savvy politicians seeking to increase their prestige.

It doesn’t take much. Presidential-style security (in Colombia they are accompanied by a man with a Kevlar shield), police outriders, obsequious dignitaries, dancing with locals, visits to schools in disadvantaged areas, planting trees, posing with ethnic artifacts – all of this is provided. Every important (and much missed) sign of royalty and glory is put on the table with bells.

Meghan gets to put on her special show of kneeling in compassion for a child and is photographed in blissful mood with a carefully selected group of youngsters. Harry dances awkwardly with the locals and gives high fives to the adoring teenagers.

His wife has the opportunity to wear her jewelry and a selection of new outfits and say things like “Connect with each other” – while everyone nods and applauds. They make one of their spontaneous declarations of love by showing each other affection with their hands on their knees.

It’s like the old days before Megxit, but without the downsides. Almost like they’re still full-time royals – just without the responsibility or the boring part.

For example, when you have to speak to real members of the public (brrrr), stand in the rain and watch soldiers march, or attend events with other members of the royal family, some of whom (God forbid) might even be of higher rank than you. Or when you’re expected to live in a cottage on the Windsor estate with a measly 5,000 square feet of living space.

In countries like Colombia, they are still taken seriously and treated with respect – rather than being seen as what they are: a pair of smug narcissists who think the world owes them a living – and are able to revel in the status they feel was so unfairly denied them when they (voluntarily) turned their backs on their official royal roles.

In other words, they have both. That’s why I suspect we’ll see more and more imitations of royal tours like this.

After all, it doesn’t look like American Riviera Arachnid – or whatever their latest commercial venture is called – is going to set the world on fire. Luckily for them, there’s no shortage of shady regimes with deep pockets desperate for a bit of royal hype.

Of course, they could never get the real thing – but Harry and Meghan, well, they’re available. All you need to do is dress it up in something worthy, and bingo: by royal appointment.

But that is not the case, and they are not. These boastful egoists are not active royals. They do not represent the royal family – even if they pretend to. This must stop. King Charles certainly cannot tolerate this shameless exploitation of the British monarchy, no matter how much he loves his son.

I hate to say it, sir, but it’s time to speak clearly before these cheap department stores irreparably devalue the brand.

Labour MPs quit Twitter/X. One of them says Elon Musk has turned it into a “megaphone for foreign adversaries and far-right fringe groups”. When the Tories were in power, it suited the Corbynistas and other far-left groups. Maybe they just don’t like a taste of their own medicine.

Sharing Molly-Mae’s pain

My kids (well, mostly my daughter and her friends) are all worked up about Molly-Mae and Tommy Fury’s split. Since the former Love Island contestant made it “Instagram official,” they’ve barely talked about anything else.

I’ve always been fascinated by why people are so interested in other people’s breakups – especially when they don’t even know them. But every generation does. Burton and Taylor; Charles and Di; Brad and Angelina. Maybe it’s comforting to know that these seemingly perfect lives are actually just as complicated and messy as our own.

Molly-Mae has ended her relationship with Tommy Fury. The couple has a daughter together

Tory leadership candidate Kemi Badenoch was reprimanded for missing a campaign to go on holiday with her young family. When her rival Robert Jenrick was bizarrely asked what kind of chocolate he would be, he said – in a very rude reference to her – “Certainly not a nutcase”.

Badenoch’s decision should really be in her favour. I have seen too many politicians neglect their families in favour of politics: we want real people at the top, not power-hungry sociopaths.

It seems Donald Trump’s relentless pursuit of Joe “Sleepy” Biden has sabotaged his campaign. Kamala Harris is proving to be less easy to beat than expected. However, those who want to join her team are asked to specify their preferred pronouns, such as he/him, she/her, Xe/xem, or Fae/faer, which apparently applies to those who identify as fairies. As in “get rid of”? A gift, surely, for The Donald’s speechwriters.

Former US President Donald Trump speaks during an event earlier this week

Football is back! Hurrah! No more unrest until next summer.