By Terry Ward, CNN

(CNN) — Roseanne Buckley’s 18-year-old son had always been a mild-mannered homebody and an excellent student. But in March of his senior year of high school, the young man’s mood changed, she says.

“He did things that were out of character or without mentioning it beforehand,” said Buckley, who lives in Medford, New Jersey.

She says that he once had a friend pierce his ears, after which her son suddenly developed a more snappy and defiant attitude towards her.

Buckley, 49, knew the social media slang for this sudden act of defiance, called “nest-fouling,” and said she felt that was the case with him.

“It seemed to me that out of the blue he acted like he was saying, ‘I can do whatever I want because I’m 18,'” she said. “He was a totally different kid.”

They spread their wings

Nest-soiling refers to a period when teenagers become more difficult at home as they transition and prepare for college, says clinical psychologist Regine Galanti, founder of Long Island Behavioral Psychology on Long Island, New York, and author of the nonfiction youth book “Anxiety Relief for Teens.”

This behavior can manifest itself in different ways.

“It may look like they are starting arguments with their parents, talking back, leaving messes and generally straining their interpersonal relationships with their parents,” Galanti said.

And it is a completely normal phase of growing up.

For teens graduating high school, the most important psychological goal is to “develop and solidify their own identity,” Galanti said. Because this can be difficult in the shadow of parents and family, some teens may assert their independence and distance themselves from their families at this time.

Creating that distance between themselves and their parents makes it easier for some teens to transition into this new phase of independence, Galanti says. It can be helpful if parents expect this, although it won’t always be the case.

“As a parent, you have to realize that this isn’t about you,” she said. “It’s about your child struggling to figure out how to navigate the next phase of their life. Turning your back on them may make it easier for teenagers to jump into independence.”

When your child becomes your roommate

Gabriella Neske, a mother from Tampa, Florida, said she experienced the phenomenon as her eldest daughter was preparing to go to college. She would hide in her room, be glued to her phone and act “generally grumpy,” said Neske, who has already experienced similar behavior in her twin sons, who are currently in 11th grade in high school.

It felt like her children were trying to turn into her roommates, Neske said, openly defying her when asked to do something and doing annoying things like leaving piles of wet laundry on the dryer.

Neske said that as a mother, she tries to give her children the opportunity to be independent, while at the same time providing them with the necessary safety precautions and allowing them to develop their own identities.

And then things can get complicated.

“You still have to take the initiative and try to educate this grumpy little bundle of emotions that doesn’t really have the skills to go out and behave like an adult in the world – not yet,” Neske said.

How to soften the blow of a checked-out teenager

Psychologist Lisa Damour, author of “The Emotional Lives of Teenagers,” advises parents not to take it personally if their teen keeps them at arm’s length. “Trust that it will be a chapter in a long book about raising this child,” Damour said.

The months before a child starts college are very emotionally charged for all family members, and parents and their teenagers often find themselves in different emotional situations, she said.

While it’s not uncommon for parents to want to enjoy every moment during this time and impart wisdom and life lessons to their children that haven’t yet been passed on to them, and communicate with them in every way possible, Damour says teens often try to spend every last minute with their high school friends who they will soon miss, which can lead to a mismatch of priorities.

“I think it can be helpful to remember that it’s not personal, it’s a natural part of development, and that the opposite would be strange in some ways,” she said. “If a teenager about to graduate from college was suddenly welcomed into the fold of family life, that would be strange.”

“And when we recognize that part of the process of moving away is keeping family at a distance, it can feel less personal and hopefully less painful.”

Also, keep in mind that teens don’t do everything consciously, Damour added. “They don’t always consciously choose to be irritable,” she said. “We need to understand that most teens have a really hard time leaving the house, no matter how excited they are about what lies ahead.”

With teenagers, it is sometimes difficult because it is easier to say goodbye when everyone is annoyed with each other, she said.

Your teen may also suddenly be nowhere to be found. “Even when you finally meet him in the kitchen, he doesn’t have time to talk — even though you may be trying to figure out the important logistical issues of getting him to college,” Damour said. It can be helpful to say something like, “I need 10 minutes to talk to you about your packing. What time is a good time tomorrow?”

If you know your child has a lot going on, “being willing to align our calendar with your child’s can make interactions easier,” she says.

Parents should also pay attention to how distressed younger siblings are, as the departure of an older sibling can be a difficult transition for them.

“Take good care of yourself and get your emotional needs met elsewhere,” she said. “So if you have younger children, you can also take care of their feelings when their sibling moves out.”

Buckley said her son had become his old self again as the day of his departure approached in mid-August.

“My children’s generation seems to have parents who do everything for them,” she said. “It must be a scary feeling to go far away and suddenly have to do everything yourself.”

Once their independence is established, Damour finds that the new phase often ushers in a more cordial relationship.

“It may take a whole first year (of college), but teenagers, as they become more adult, tend to be warmer, friendlier and actually fun to interact with,” she said.

Author from Florida Terry Ward lives in Tampa with her two young children, who are still firmly in the nest.

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